5 long years

I woke up this morning and remembered something.

It's hard to believe, but I almost forgot that tomorrow, June 16, marks the 5th anniversary of my father's passing. Father's Day must be around the corner. That'll mess up a day.

The fact that years 2-4 were pretty inconsequential and fairly easy to handle apparently lulled me to sleep. Being a father myself, the last three seemed to free me from the Father's Day doldrums. I'm not sure what it is about denominations of 5 and 10 that make our brains overcompensate, but it hit me like a ton of bricks today.

For some reason our brains process permanence on scales of five. Anyone knows that the march of time can be cruel and that it's always relentless, but we seem to only recognize that every five years. Who knows, maybe it's because that's how many fingers we have on each hand.

Today is as good a day as any to meander through my thoughts five years later. For one thing, so much has happened, so much has changed. I'm not even sure he would know me all that well anymore. So I thought it might be interesting to touch on the highlights of the last five years.


I was 28 when dad died. That's not a denomination of 5. But it is approximately the age of my dad when this picture was taken.
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(That's me in his arms)

First and foremost is that dad missed out on Jacob. Dad never pushed me to have children even though he knew exactly how little time he had left. He neither shared that knowledge nor pressed me to hurry up with the grand kids to selfish ends. Indeed, he was the one who counseled patience.

I'm sure he'd be happy that Jen and I waited and would tip his hat to his only grandson.


He missed my most recent graduation in 2005. I think he would have really liked to have attended that one. It was a fun time and I think he would have considered it noteworthy. It really is too bad that he missed it considering how much he emphasized school to me. I know it was important to him.

He would have wanted to help me write my law review comment more than anything. He would have probably driven me nuts trying to tinker with wordings and concepts. And, he would have understood the topic better than I could by the time it was finished. In the end, his roving expertise would have helped make it better.

I know he would be happy that we found our way back home after graduation. He might even try to spoil Jacob.


It's impossible to predict how he would feel about things as they are today. After all, I can't even be sure everything would be the same. For example, I was inspired to work in my specific field because of the experience I had trying to tie up my the loose ends after his death. Without that change in my life, who knows what I'd be doing.

Still, as the combination of Father's Day and the big fifth anniversary collide, it gives comfort to think about how he would react to the world as it is. I don't get caught up in the notion of loved ones peering down from above. I neither believe nor disbelieve such notions. I just like to think about having him stop by for a visit. We would have so much to talk about.

It isn't just the updating of information, but the recognition and joy I imagine he would display as I told him story after story. We would talk about great albums of the past five years, movies he would have loved, jokes told and everything in between.

I know every single person dies. I know I am no victim. But, it's been five years, so apparently it is acceptable for me to grieve.

33 and content

I turned 33 on Saturday.

June's a big month for me every year, but this year is bigger than most. Birthday, Father's Day, and my 10th Anniversary all happen this month. Throw in our annual trip to the zoo with Jacob, the fifth anniversary of my father's passing, the annual family picnic and the beginning of Jen's new status as a commuter to work and it's going to be one heck of a month.

As if any of us need yet another reason for introspection in a year, birthdays have a way of giving a boost to New Year's resolutions. Well, at least mine does. It happens right in the middle of the year.

Aging doesn't bother me. At least, not yet. But, my semi-annual sharpening of the saw sometimes reveals certain gaps and changes. These gaps are not bad things, but curious nonetheless. We are all our own study subject in life.

I am not on top of the music scene at all anymore. I carry a dinosaur of a cell phone and have no desire to carry one that allows Internet connection. I like the convenience, but fear the leash. I no longer know anything about pop culture outside of the very select few programs I watch - usually at the behest of others, and often to satisfaction. Our household is behind most others mainly because of our choice to forgo cable television or any other regular programing.

I do miss all the movies I would otherwise be sure to see, but I read a lot more books, so I can live with it. Besides, I make sure to see all the movies I really want to see. No harm, no foul, I guess. Heck, looks like a win.

Increasingly, our world seems more and more connected through such media. Although I consider that to be neither positive nor negative, it is simply interesting to me. I do not necessarily mourn my loss of connection to the most commonly-shared media of our culture. But it does provide a unique paradigm.

Still, it is important to keep a toe in the pool so as to avoid becoming too out of touch or, God forbid, boring. I am trying to walk the line between connected (I now read my books electronically via my Kindle) and oblivious (I don't text... and I wish no one would while driving).

If I could pinpoint some positives of aging, the list would include the ability to slowly and deliberately disconnect from old patterns and explore new ones. And old patters are usually the inspiration for change. I just don't think "new" always involves "advancements" (such as with technology). Backward movement, in life as in cell phone usage, can create a "new" peace. As long as it's new to me, I guess. "New" in that sense would mean less connectivity. I can live with that if balanced.

Thus, my proposed changes came to mind, and now will be memorialized for accountability's sake.

I'm hoping to accomplish as much of the following as possible:

-- Read to Jacob at least once per day.
-- Get back to taking vitamins every day.
-- Exercise more (what would a list be without it?).
-- Eat better (ditto here).
-- Intensify focus.
-- Drop the casual cursing (amazing how easy it is to slip in front of the little guy).
-- Walk with my family every evening after work (weather permitting).
-- Do not begin evening media routines until after the walk or reading session.
-- Get back to regular family visits (easier after the worst flu season we've had here).
-- Listen to and enjoy music more.

Honestly, there isn't much I really want to change right now. I'm still going to try, however, because it's a good habit. Sometimes you need to inspect just to discover that you are indeed happy. There are no guarantees in life, so I guess I'll add "appreciate the good times" to my list.

Update

... I had my 33rd birthday yesterday. Good times. Went out with the guys on Friday, family picnic Saturday afternoon, more hanging out on Saturday evening. All this is followed by a completely relaxing Sunday.

... My birthday/father's day/anniversary gift was a Kindle 2. I am addicted to it already. I can read books faster with it and will now be able to read whatever book I feel like wherever I may be. Good times.

... I am slowing starting to work on Jacob year 3 vid. Kindle 2 has taken away much of my motivation for anything else, though, so we'll see how this goes.

... I am plowing through the Battlestar Galactica series on DVD. Great show. I can't stop watching episodes.

... I am very pleased that Summer is finally upon us. I love Summer and had grown tired of the Winter.

... Many ideas for posts have been coming into my head, but none have been sufficiently focued to actually sit down and write.

Hoops

I'm loving the NBA playoffs this year. Deep down, I'm a basketball junkie, and the Denver Nuggets have me absolutely buzzing these days. The current playoff run also gave me occasion to remember when basketball reminded me who I am.

I've been a big fan of the NBA for as long as I can remember, and I've always loved to play. Because I grew up in Virginia, I rarely got to see the Nuggets play. I did make sure to watch them on TV when they played the Washington Bullets, but that happened only once or twice a year. It seems like ages ago, but there was a time when fans couldn't just pick a game to watch. We actually were slaves to the TV schedule.

The Nuggets weren't very good and almost never on TV, so, to get my NBA fix, I watched the only team you couldn't miss on a given weekend: The Chicago Bulls. I remember watching Michael Jordan take over the league. Those Bulls teams were my favorite teams ever. I could watch youtube clips of Jordan embarrassing the league for hours. In fact, I have already done that many times.

But, this year is quickly becoming my favorite basketball season of all time.




I remember playing basketball for hours until it was just too dark to see the ball anymore. I remember playing entire summer days and bringing ice chests to keep us cool in the humid Virginia sun. I miss those days so much sometimes.

I also remember leaving basketball for awhile and dabbling in some dumb things. I tried smoking a few times and was caught so red handed it was pathetic. I even answered "breath mints" when asked what that smell was. I think I had the most pathetic rebellion in the history of mankind.

New "friends" came along and it took me a little too long to realize they didn't have my interests in mind. My very pathetic mini-rebellion led me to dabble in some curiosities. Mostly, that included parent-upsetting bands and their video cassettes. One specific video featured a rather disturbing stage performance. Out of the blue, and completely out of character, my dad decided to screen one of the videos. It was mostly for show, but the scenes bothered him enough that he insisted I take it back.

The rub was that I got to choose what to replace it with, but it had to be something acceptable to dad. I picked NBA's Dazzling Dunks and Basketball Bloopers. I was bitter at the time, but ended up wearing that tape out. It featured footage from each dunk contest to that point and I watched it more time than I care to admit.





Somehow, over an indeterminable time, I was reminded who I was and what I needed to do. During that time, the "friends" (short lived friends as they may have been) faded away. My association with them was a forced-fit anyway.

I reunited with true friends and met them in the most fitting place: on the blacktop. Much of the rest of my youth was spent playing basketball.

Moving to Colorado meant another new start and good-bye to all those great hoop friends, but this time I stayed on track. I even started hanging out with the Fuzz by playing locker hoops H-O-R-S-E during lunch in high school.

Just in time, the Nuggets got good and shocked the NBA world in 1994 by winning in the first round and nearly making the Western Conference Finals. I even fretted about missing a playoff game to graduate from high school. I rooted for the Nuggets and Bulls and NBA life was good.

I lost track of the NBA again in 1999 after Michael Jordan retired for good (he never came back or played for any other teams... I know it didn't happen... LA LA LA LA LA). I caught the occasional Nuggets game, but really came back to the NBA when the Nuggets drafted Carmelo Anthony in 2003. Ever since then, the guys and I have been loyal and regular attendees at the Pepsi Center.

Now, as I watch the Denver Nuggets this year, I finally know what it's like to truly experience the NBA playoffs. It's better than all those Bulls titles because its finally my true hometown team. I watched Chicago out of respect for the rare quality, but I've watched this team grow and I'm loving the ride.

Even if the Nuggets don't win it all, this has been a joyous ride, and more fun than any previous season. Chicago's six titles seemed like foregone conclusions, but this time there is real drama and anticipation. The team even traded for Chauncey Billups, who I used to cover while a student journalist during his dominating tenure at CU.

Really, it couldn't get any better. I smell a running diary on the horizon.

NBA PLAYOFF FEVER

New Pics

Nuggets Playoff Fever.

Jacob fell asleep on me both Friday and Saturday night.

Showing off his new Nuggets hat. Jacob picked it out.

Helping clean his table.

Death Penalty Thoughts

I have been reading about a brewing national discussion about the death penalty. I am sure the penalty is here to stay, but this topic will always crop up for debate.

I've always held a pretty strong position against the death penalty. I figure now is as good a time as any to explain why.

Three considerations led me to my position. First, I do not feel that anything is accomplished by the killing of a person and do not believe it deters as proponents say. Second, it is abundantly clear today, with the help of DNA evidence, that many innocent people have been executed. Finally, because I do not believe that intentional killing is morally right out of vengeance, I do not consent to it being done in my name (via representative government).

While in law school, we heard a speech by a man who was on death row for 17 years before he was exonerated by his final available appeal. He now tours the nation telling his story and I very much regret that I do not remember his name. His discussion about coming to terms with his seemingly-inevitable death for a crime he did not commit really hit me.

When released, he was given the clothes he came in with and enough cab fare to get him to wherever he could go. While it is true that a life sentence may have led to his eventual release as well, his description of being a "dead man walking" was chilling.

Our speaker did not change my thinking, but his story reinforced my reasons for believing as I do.

WHAT RESULT?

I have heard the arguments about deterrence, and I just don't buy its usefulness or its substance. I heard once that our nation is the only democratic country that sanctions the death penalty. Yet, we are also among the leaders in violent crimes committed.

When it comes to murder, I struggle to imagine anyone determined enough to commit murder will really weigh possible execution in his or her mind. For very violent crimes, I'm unconvinced that consequences are ever factored into the thought process. Maybe that's a consideration I will never understand because I've never killed before. Still, I struggle to conclude the thought even enters the brain.

Once committed, however, the act of execution literally solves nothing. As to the thought that families take comfort in the execution of the criminal; that thought makes me shudder.

Such accommodation of vengeance only encourages people to indulge in anger.

Execution also makes impossible the eventual rehabilitation of a person, thus precluding any possible unforeseen good to come from a horrible situation. I realize rehabilitation is often not possible, but it is also not impossible.

ARE WE SURE?

The fact that hundreds of innocent people have been executed stands by itself. Humans are too fallible to be so certain as to inflict so final a punishment. If we believe in protecting the innocent, then we should never execute. Simply stated, that's the only way to insure no innocents are murdered by us all. Which leads me to...

UNDIGNIFIED

A politician once said that the death penalty is "beneath the dignity of our elected government." It is therefore also beneath the dignity of us all.

Representative government acts on behalf of us all. Therefore, in essence, the lethal injection is given by all of our hands.

The phrase "thou shalt not kill" has been amended in the minds of generations in innumerable ways. Self defense. Justified war. Protection of family. The applicability of any of those have been debated passionately. However, I do not consider vengeance, punishment or retribution to be among those debatable excuses for the taking of life.

For what it's worth, I do not wish anyone to execute a criminal on my behalf. By doing so with the sanction of law, that happens anyway. And, I don't have to like that.

Preschool Update

Jacob has now finished two successful weeks of preschool.

His first week started rough, which led to a decision to start him on half-days. Actually, the only rough day was Monday and, as we discovered, it was really only a rough hour. When I picked him up on Monday, he seemed happy and comfortable. The rest of his first week went very well.

His second week started on Tuesday because he was sick on Monday and we kept him home. We agreed to stay with half-days, but he stayed through lunch rather than to lunch. Although he began to resist going to school very strongly at home, he established a pattern of quiet acceptance and no longer cried at the gate.

By Thursday of week two, all fit-throwing ended and his comfort and happiness at the school and with teachers and other children improved each day.

Next week begins full days. Also, he will now arrive without pull-up diapers. He was not wet one time in his two full weeks (something that did not surprise us). Now that he has shown his discipline on toilet training, the school will allow him to shed the diapers. He has been trained for a long time here at home. In all honestly, we were worried their insistence on diapers would cause regression. We are so happy it did not.

We are very pleased with how this has developed. We were told at the beginning that we could expect to see him focus more at home because of the self-directed learning taught at the school, and that is absolutely correct. He has always had an intense focus, but he now will literally spend hours building bridges, roads or whatever else with blocks, crayons and even boxes. He has even started putting toys away on his own at home. That is very new.

Although it has been tough at times getting to this point, Jen and I are glad we stuck this out. We consider it important for him to attend preschool. Since we must have him tended to while Jen drives in to work, we insisted on it being at all-day preschool as opposed to day care.

Of course, our first option was what we've always done, but Jacob's new experiences will provide him something different and something we could not have provided. As an example, Jacob has already made his very first friend without influence from his parents.