I'm trying to intersperse some fun themes along with all the politics. I have collaborated with "The Cloth" on an interview, then "The Bookie" for a duelling running diary of the CU-Nebraska football game. "The Fuzz" likes horror films. We decided to do duelling reviews of one of the most fun "horror" movies ever... GREMLINS!!
I decided to do my part as a running diary. I used to watch this movie over and over as a kid. It was even scary at one point in time, but, just like the Dark Crystal, I can't help but laugh at myself for being scared of this movie. I'm not even certain it is a "horror" movie. But, it was fun. The Fuzz and I spent Sunday night watching and dissecting this movie.
Here's a link to the Fuzz's review:
Let's get it on! (Time stamp equals approximate time into the movie).
0:19 - The movie starts with a father looking for a "unique" gift for his son. A random kid in Chinatown coaxes the man into a tucked-away store. The man promptly tries to sell the "Bathroom Buddy" to the owner of the store.
Did I mention the store features Asian-themed Nick-knacks (and some crazy destructive creatures, but we're not there yet!) and this guy thinks an all-in-one bathroom travel kit would sell there!?!?!? He even looks at a dragon statute and asks the owner to imagine if he discovered that he had "Dragon Breath" and needed a quick brush before the big meeting. Ahhhh, the Bathroom Buddy! Great moments in 1980s cinema!
4:51 - How is it that a failed inventor facing foreclosure and a failing career is able to drop a bunch of hundred-dollar bills to buy a crazy pet never seen before in nature? "$100.00... No? OK, $200.00... I MUST have that Mogwai!" And, he's told the famous three rules (No light, no water, no food after midnight) and manages NEVER to ask why or what will happen!! No wonder this guy sucks as an inventor.
I imagine it would go something like this:
Dad: So, what happens if I feed this thing after midnight?
Creepy Store Owner: It will go into a cocoon and emerge as a violent killing machine and destroy all technology within a 100-mile radius, why do you ask?
Dad: Crap! I make my living on technology working! And, I like to live! Forget this! Got any fancy chopsticks?
7:00 - Holy cow! Cory Feldman is a little kid in this movie. And, one recurring character keeps talking about how great American cars are. When Billy's VW won't start, this guy says "Those foreign cars'll freeze on you!" American Engineering apparently neutralized the elements in the 80s!
(On a side note, remember when Made in the USA meant something to people? Remember when things were made outside of China? Ahhh, the 80s! In a related note, Billy has a man-perm!)
10:00 - While I'm waxing nostalgic, remember when people were supposed to dress up for work? Billy works at a bank and gets scolded for wearing a clip-on tie that is well shielded by a nice sweater. My bank teller here in town actually wears a clip-on with his red, short-sleeved polo shirt. That is not a joke. Sigh.
12:00 - Mrs. Deagle, the cranky old lady who is foreclosing on everyone, brings in the head of her "Bavarian Snowman" and threatens Billy's dog with death for destroying it. The dog then scares her by jumping out from behind the counter and she fakes heart trouble. Once again, the dog saves the day! Dogs were always heroes in 80s movies. Somewhere Michael Vick shakes his head.
15:00 - Judge Reinhold actually brags about having cable to impress Kate. Gotta love the 80s.
20:00 - Billy now has his Mogwai and manages to discombobulate the poor thing with a camera flash, mirror reflection and bathroom light all within 2 minutes of being told it doesn't like bright light. When bandaging Gizmo, he sets him ON THE EDGE OF THE BATHROOM SINK to bandage his entire head after a fall into the garbage. Anyone think Billy can manage not to screw this up?
22:00 - Cory Feldman (Pete) manages to spill water on Gizmo within 10 seconds of meeting him. Gizmo promptly produces 5 more Mogwai, all with crappy attitudes. Way to go Petey!
28:00 - Stripe, the leader of the Mogwai-5, is playing a mini Donkey Kong video game while all the others carouse. Donkey Kong rocked! Still, the fact it has flashing lights doesn't seem to bother Stripe. Hmmmmm.
(OK, they keep showing failed inventions, and it's funny to watch 80s technology being used to "simplify" daily things. Like the "Cordless phone" which requires one to unfurl a long antenna and try to talk like a walky-talky. The Fuzz and I giggled over that one.)
32:00 - After seeing what happened to the Mogwai, Billy takes one to his science teacher for study. Ummm, sure. I guess that's the logical result.
(About this time, Murray tells Kate that foreign cars have Gremlins put in them for sabotage. He's drunk, she won't let him drive... that's Public Service Announcement No. 1 for those counting at home).
34:00 - OK, Billy and Kate see Christmas carollers, which prompts Kate to explain how many people want to "open their wrists while others open presents" during the holidays. Kate, apparently, is crazy. Despite this talk, Billy asks her on a date. Clearly something HORRIBLE happened to Kate on Christmas. Still, Billy takes his opportunity!
40: 00 - The Mogwai-4 at Billy's house and the one at the school all manage to eat after midnight. The ones at Billy's house fool "The Perm" by chewing the cord on the clock at 11:30. Easy enough. The one at the school just waits for the teacher to finish his midnight snack and grabs the sandwich. That's right, a high school science teacher is working after midnight to study the previously-never-before-seen creature brought in by his student AND he left his sandwich by the cage. Stop me if this gets weird.
45:00 - The Gremlin breaks free while the teacher (who, by all accounts, LIVES at the school) shows a film reel about the heart. He asks that his students give him Super Bowl tickets as a gift and then tries to feed the monster a candy bar by putting his hand under the desk. No wonder our school system stinks. Did I mention he didn't turn the light on?
49:00 - Death No. 1: The teacher is found dead half-way under the desk... with a syringe in his butt.
50:00 - Apparently the school is completely empty even though class just got out. Billy chases the Gremlin into the nurse station. Meanwhile, the other Gremlins are playing darts with Gizmo.
54:00 - Billy's mom gets a knife and kills three Gremlins in the kitchen via blender, knife and microwave before being put in a full nelson by one hiding in the tree. Billy comes home and cuts its head off and burns it in the fire. Stripe breaks out the window into the snowy night. No one seems worried that snow is made entirely of water. They must know something I don't because the snow doesn't seem to have the effect of water. If only the high school scientist were available to explain.
60: 00 - Stripe goes to the YMCA to find water... Did I mention Billy tracked his footprints in the snow?!?!?! My head hurts. Anyway, Stripe dives into the water and immediately spawns thousands of new Gremlins. It's unclear why the snow didn't have the same effect considering it took ONE DROP of water to cause Gizmo to multiply. Gotta love a horror movie that doesn't take itself too seriously.
1:08 - Gremlins mess with cars, traffic lights, mailboxes and everything else. Four of them attack Santa Clause, who claws at the police car for help. They roll up the window and drive off. Ti's the season!! Mrs. Deagle gets catapulted out of her home by way of her stair-elevator. That's death number 2 of 2.
1:13 - For the record: pure, simple, unfrozen water and NOTHING else works. Gremlins have invaded the bar and are drinking all sorts of beer and other liquor. Also, I learned that Gremlins like to dance to music with 80s leg warmers, perform puppet shows and expose themselves by opening a trench coat while drunk.
1:16 - Kate, working the bar, uses a Polaroid camera to flash the Gremlins and make her escape. Once saved, she explains why she hates Christmas (this is a doozy): Her dad went missing... the house started to smell by way of the chimney... they expected to see a dead cat or raccoon... (wait for it)... and they found her DAD dressed like Santa with toys in the chimney... dead.
(So, apparently he didn't tell ANYONE he was going to do this. This is the highlight for me of the whole movie. I hadn't remembered that at all from past viewings. We even had to rewind to hear it again. Wow.)
1:22 - All the Gremlins go to the movie theater to see Snow White. Stripe gets hungry. Long story short, Billy and Kate blow up the theater and Stripe escapes. Say what you want, but these writers know how to wrap up a story. Billy and Kate follow Stripe to the department store... comedy ensues. It's the dead of night (remember this).
1:27 - Boom boxes are everywhere. Remember boom boxes? A boom box on the shoulder was a far cry from a walkman, but it said something about your "hipness." Run DMC Y'all!
1:32 - Stripe shoots Billy with a crossbow and throws saw blades at him and charges with a chainsaw. Meanwhile, it's day time!!! For those counting at home, that's 5 minutes until sun-up from when he entered the department store.
1:34 - Gizmo manages to drive a Barbie car even though those things don't actually have motors. This prompts Stripe to say "Gizmo Kaka." Stripe now has a gun.
1:37 - Stripe is in the water trying to multiply when Gizmo opens the shutters to expose a very bright sun. The sun rose especially fast today! By the way, Billy's dad just got back from the inventor's convention and just happened to stop by the department store with his bags. Billy must have left a note... or something.
END - The movie ends with the Chinese man scolding western civilization for its carelessness taking care of ... uh "the world" in general. PSA No. 2 for those counting at home: Westerners suck and everything we do is wrong and ignorant. Darn us! Maybe one day we will be ready.
This movie rocked because it didn't take itself too seriously. It was like shooting fish in a barrel, but we gave it the full MST3K treatment anyway. Good times!
