I woke up this morning and remembered something.
It's hard to believe, but I almost forgot that tomorrow, June 16, marks the 5th anniversary of my father's passing. Father's Day must be around the corner. That'll mess up a day.
The fact that years 2-4 were pretty inconsequential and fairly easy to handle apparently lulled me to sleep. Being a father myself, the last three seemed to free me from the Father's Day doldrums. I'm not sure what it is about denominations of 5 and 10 that make our brains overcompensate, but it hit me like a ton of bricks today.
For some reason our brains process permanence on scales of five. Anyone knows that the march of time can be cruel and that it's always relentless, but we seem to only recognize that every five years. Who knows, maybe it's because that's how many fingers we have on each hand.
Today is as good a day as any to meander through my thoughts five years later. For one thing, so much has happened, so much has changed. I'm not even sure he would know me all that well anymore. So I thought it might be interesting to touch on the highlights of the last five years.
I was 28 when dad died. That's not a denomination of 5. But it is approximately the age of my dad when this picture was taken.
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(That's me in his arms)
First and foremost is that dad missed out on Jacob. Dad never pushed me to have children even though he knew exactly how little time he had left. He neither shared that knowledge nor pressed me to hurry up with the grand kids to selfish ends. Indeed, he was the one who counseled patience.
I'm sure he'd be happy that Jen and I waited and would tip his hat to his only grandson.
He missed my most recent graduation in 2005. I think he would have really liked to have attended that one. It was a fun time and I think he would have considered it noteworthy. It really is too bad that he missed it considering how much he emphasized school to me. I know it was important to him. He would have wanted to help me write my law review comment more than anything. He would have probably driven me nuts trying to tinker with wordings and concepts. And, he would have understood the topic better than I could by the time it was finished. In the end, his roving expertise would have helped make it better.
I know he would be happy that we found our way back home after graduation. He might even try to spoil Jacob.
It's impossible to predict how he would feel about things as they are today. After all, I can't even be sure everything would be the same. For example, I was inspired to work in my specific field because of the experience I had trying to tie up my the loose ends after his death. Without that change in my life, who knows what I'd be doing.
Still, as the combination of Father's Day and the big fifth anniversary collide, it gives comfort to think about how he would react to the world as it is. I don't get caught up in the notion of loved ones peering down from above. I neither believe nor disbelieve such notions. I just like to think about having him stop by for a visit. We would have so much to talk about.
It isn't just the updating of information, but the recognition and joy I imagine he would display as I told him story after story. We would talk about great albums of the past five years, movies he would have loved, jokes told and everything in between.
I know every single person dies. I know I am no victim. But, it's been five years, so apparently it is acceptable for me to grieve.
