How does one influence a child to do the right thing? I think that's the ultimate question to ask when discussing parenting, but it could also be beside the point. Any parental theory ultimately seeks an answer to that question, but it almost doesn't matter.
After nearly two years on the parenting job, I'm not sure its possible to influence a child to do what's right. I'm also not sure its impossible. Of course, I'm still a newbie at all this, so I fall short of expert-status on the topic. I have, however, figured out that consistency is crucial and that even a toddler knows when he can get away with something and who will allow such malfeasance. Apparently we're all born with that infernal instinct.
Ultimately, I will try to teach Jacob good judgment, reasoning and logic so that he will have the tools to do that elusive "right thing." What he does with those will ultimately be for him to live with. I realize it's a bit presumptuous to think in such long-term notions before he's out of diapers, but parenting isn't supposed to be a temp job, so please allow my indulgence.
Jen and I happen to believe Jacob is a really well-behaved kid... most of the time. He impresses us with how well he listens, he knows to stop when we say so and he really seems to try to do what we say. Other times, he smiles when misbehaving...
Like This.
Jen and I discussed the learn-on-the-job nature of our new duty tonight. There is simply no way to judge our effectiveness. So, like so many, we just do what we think is right and hope for the best.
I won't get into specifics (too many passionate opinions out there for that), but I think it's fair to say we are pretty firm with Jacob. The only parents any of us learn from are our own. I think I incorporate styles from both of my parents, but I might as well be shooting craps anyway because a child's demeanor plays a roll too.
Jacob has recently begun to misbehave more often while out in public, so I thought back to how my parents handled that in my family.
My dad used to have absolutely no tolerance for public displays of emotion (i.e. screaming, crying, whimpering, or really anything but quiet). I've tried to fight being quite so sensitive to that because mom's method made us feel better. She always managed to block out any embarrassment in favor of soothing. Mom tried to make us feel better... dad just took us out of the room and explained that we either shut up or go home and (by implication) ruin everything for everyone else. I'd say we got the full spectrum.
In all honesty, my instinct is to do like my dad did. I think I manage to be somewhere in the middle, but it only works that way because I fight my instinct. That's probably because dad trained me to believe that outbursts earned the scorn and ridicule of all within earshot. I guess I can chalk that up to effectiveness. Hey, by all accounts, that worked on me. I also remember how important it was for me to feel like my feelings mattered. That's where mom came in.
To be clear, none of this is a complaint. In fact, I think the varied responses gave us varied benefits. Jen and I seem to be more in the middle, but, like I said before, there's no right answer.
Do those little lessons ultimately impact one's adulthood? It may seem crazy, but I think the way my parents handled behavior in public absolutely impacts me today (this very evening, even). I feel that twinge when Jacob cries and instinctively look around for offended patrons. At the same time, my choices have been my own and vary from those of other kids in the world.
No, pressure, though. Only anything we ever do as parents will have life-long impacts on our children as people. Or maybe not. Piece of cake!
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